Kate, while I agree social media plays a part, in accelerating or maybe amplifying the issue, I think its just made the ability and lenses of comparison wider and faster.
I have been thinking about this alot, and chatting with my wife about, is why we continue to push the boundaries and burn our selves out (benny know what my last 8 years have been).
I keep coming back to the issues of what we as a society celebrate.
We celebrate the executive that drives share prices. We celebrate the athlete the kicks 8 goals, scores three tries, bows a hattrick. We celebrate the entrepreneur that raises $X in funding.
But no where do we see any great coverage of the dad who cam home at 4pm to do the colouring in with his 5 year old daughter. We dont celebrate the mom that managed the drop off, 8 hours of work and still managed to be home and sane.
We look to celebrate "special" but see the above examples as the "ordinary"
If I look at many of the peer groups I shared, especially in the US, the "special" was the dad doing the colouring in and the mum who managed so many responsibilities. I was surrounded by over achieving executives, who left a trail of broken homes and damaged people.
At one point in the US, i coached the Stanford Womens rugby side. A collection of some of the counties most over achieving young women.
The cpt of the side, was one a full scholarship, a national rugby and karate champion, and the day she graduated was off to the Naval Accademy to be a pilot. (never have i felt more insecure).
But one girl in the team, made a comment to me, as a retort to a comment from one of her team mates. This girl was the daughter of a very well know tech CEO. She received a new range rover for graduating. When this fact was shouted to all, she under he breath said, and I am sure I was one of the only to hear it, said "yeh, anything to make him feel better for all the times he said he would be there and never was."
It stuck with me.
Her father is widely celebrated as a "special" person. I revered him as what I had read, he is an incredible CEO and leader.
What he is not is a good father. His daughter is sad, upset and lonely.
I'm pretty sure she would have chose to have him home more, doing the colouring in at 4pm more nights than any new range rover....
We need to rework what we celebrate and admire.
Ill take ordinary nights, building Lego, painting, doing karaoke with my kids than any "professional" award.
Another great blog with a hard hitting question BA! Along with stress - work, finances, health, relationships, family… I think one of the biggest factors contributing to a rise in mental health issues is the rise of social media infiltrating every area of our lives and driving that awful word… ‘comparison’. It’s a pervasive social phenomena and we often don’t know we’re doing it but it has a huge impact on self worth. It’s so easy to compare ourselves with others and we know that social media whilst just a ‘highlight reel’ of our best moments, has the ability to impact how we see our own lives compared to others. Heck, with memories flashing up on our social channels we even compare our past selves with our current selves! Technology at our fingers tips has also lead to the blurring of boundaries between work and play and sleep and wake cycles (the effect of bright screens on melatonin). I love Brene Brown’s work on this… Comparison says ‘Be Like Everyone Else… But Better!’ Not the makings of a happy mental state!
Thanks Doc. Your spot on as I reckon the lifestyles that everyone is living is messing up with their sleep, and therefore their brains!!! Looking forward to the next instalment of Cheaper than therapy!
Great to reason to write - to understand better. I think most of us, writers, we think on paper. (I might even argue, "non-writers" don't have that clarity in thoughts exactly because they never slow down to write them down).
I personally believe that it all has to do with brain chemistry that's affected by:
-Our lifestyle choices;
-Our food choices;
-Our environment (like indoor living and insufficient light exposure that's directly correlated with mental health);
-The nature of our relationships changed so much by our social media world.
Our brain chemistry is influenced by all of these and more and then it's translated into feelings, thought patterns and our mental and physical health outcomes.
The best part? There's enough science to get control of our mental health.
The hard part? Building systems in the real world to make choices that promote great mental health our default choices.
I think the main cause of the mental health crisis is that our brains are wired for short term gratification (especially when we're tired) and so much of our environment has changed to meet that, which then impacts on our habits that dictate how much energy we have i.e sleep, nutrition, exercise etc.
Basically having low energy levels for a long time causes depression lol
Couldn't agree more Ben! Depression is a simple question of biological resources mismanagement! If I don't sleep well one night - I'm already all cranky and on the moody side! I can't imagine what happens when this is done on ongoing basis! I'd go crazy!
Nobody taught us that at school because back then it wasn't mainstream science. It's still not mainstream. We just think that what happens in the mind has a solution through the mind (it seems logical) when many neuroscientists know - this is not the case. In most cases it's an imbalance in our biology and brain chemistry driven by it. - What happens in the mind rarely is solved there.
That's the golden question - education and systems that are centralized. We need some sort of coalition of influential decision makers to maybe run a wide-scale testdrive and then apply it world wide.
After burning out three times doing jobs that I really loved, I’ve arrived at the realisation that I can add value without perpetually trying to prove my worth to a hierarchy that didn’t care. Moved to the country, took my career into my own hands and am feeling much more purposeful and balanced. Funny that it all came to me when I finally stopped trying to chase it down….
Exec in (variously) a membership association, food production/retail and veterinary pharmaceuticals. Very different businesses and industries. Looking back, the common burnout factor was me believing I had to be the compensating element for inadequate resources and/or unrealistic expectations. I love a challenge and loved the work so was definitely up for it, but I wasn’t able to differentiate “this is unachievable under current conditions” from “I’m a failure if I don’t achieve it”.
Thanks for sharing mate and I've also struggled in the past to differentiate my performance from the team's outcome. With that in mind (if you don't mind me asking) what would you tell your 18 year old self at the start of your career?
My running theory on why there is a rise in mental illness is more just a rise in awareness and people being more willing to talk about it. It’s not a dog at older generations but I feel they really just tried to soldier on with the burden and didn’t realize that sometimes you can share the load and make it easier on everyone.
I think part of it is from just more reporting on suicides. (Which I think is true for a lot of increases in medicinal statistics.) Especially in more religious communities suicide can be such a taboo topic that they would be brushed under the rug as other “accidents” instead of what it actually was. I have nothing to back that but things I have heard from rural communities over here in the States. I think that Covid did bring to light a lot of things and did hurt a lot of people that might otherwise not admitted to having a mental illness or make the decision to commit suicide. I know personally it hit me a lot harder than I had expected and brought to light some things that had just been lurking in the background.
I kinda feel that my comment might have started to wander from your post some but I do want to add that I appreciate your blog posts and your openness with us who keep up with it!
Your welcome mate and sorry to hear that the stress from covid hit you hard. I reckon dealing with the stress covid created was far worse than the disease itself!
Were Alfred’s ‘failures’ hiccups or failures? I doubt there has ever been a perfect startup. I’m sure it was a learning curve, perhaps never ending, but failure? In footy you’ve got to expect perfection, but in business it rarely exists. Nevertheless, we put pressure on ourselves to be perfect.
Big hiccups! aka having to rebuild it from scratch 3 times. But if I zoom out and look at the big picture, I've more than succeeded as we got Alfred launched, have paying subscribers, and just had our first profitable month! Far from failure and it took me a long time to realise that I was doing exactly that.. putting way too much pressure on myself to be perfect. High standards and goals are good, but not if you're stressing yourself out beyond belief trying to reach them. Thanks Radar!
Benny/Kate.
Love the thread.
Kate, while I agree social media plays a part, in accelerating or maybe amplifying the issue, I think its just made the ability and lenses of comparison wider and faster.
I have been thinking about this alot, and chatting with my wife about, is why we continue to push the boundaries and burn our selves out (benny know what my last 8 years have been).
I keep coming back to the issues of what we as a society celebrate.
We celebrate the executive that drives share prices. We celebrate the athlete the kicks 8 goals, scores three tries, bows a hattrick. We celebrate the entrepreneur that raises $X in funding.
But no where do we see any great coverage of the dad who cam home at 4pm to do the colouring in with his 5 year old daughter. We dont celebrate the mom that managed the drop off, 8 hours of work and still managed to be home and sane.
We look to celebrate "special" but see the above examples as the "ordinary"
If I look at many of the peer groups I shared, especially in the US, the "special" was the dad doing the colouring in and the mum who managed so many responsibilities. I was surrounded by over achieving executives, who left a trail of broken homes and damaged people.
At one point in the US, i coached the Stanford Womens rugby side. A collection of some of the counties most over achieving young women.
The cpt of the side, was one a full scholarship, a national rugby and karate champion, and the day she graduated was off to the Naval Accademy to be a pilot. (never have i felt more insecure).
But one girl in the team, made a comment to me, as a retort to a comment from one of her team mates. This girl was the daughter of a very well know tech CEO. She received a new range rover for graduating. When this fact was shouted to all, she under he breath said, and I am sure I was one of the only to hear it, said "yeh, anything to make him feel better for all the times he said he would be there and never was."
It stuck with me.
Her father is widely celebrated as a "special" person. I revered him as what I had read, he is an incredible CEO and leader.
What he is not is a good father. His daughter is sad, upset and lonely.
I'm pretty sure she would have chose to have him home more, doing the colouring in at 4pm more nights than any new range rover....
We need to rework what we celebrate and admire.
Ill take ordinary nights, building Lego, painting, doing karaoke with my kids than any "professional" award.
Cheers Matt! Great story. Made me take my girls for an arvo bike ride yesterday. Loved it.
Another great blog with a hard hitting question BA! Along with stress - work, finances, health, relationships, family… I think one of the biggest factors contributing to a rise in mental health issues is the rise of social media infiltrating every area of our lives and driving that awful word… ‘comparison’. It’s a pervasive social phenomena and we often don’t know we’re doing it but it has a huge impact on self worth. It’s so easy to compare ourselves with others and we know that social media whilst just a ‘highlight reel’ of our best moments, has the ability to impact how we see our own lives compared to others. Heck, with memories flashing up on our social channels we even compare our past selves with our current selves! Technology at our fingers tips has also lead to the blurring of boundaries between work and play and sleep and wake cycles (the effect of bright screens on melatonin). I love Brene Brown’s work on this… Comparison says ‘Be Like Everyone Else… But Better!’ Not the makings of a happy mental state!
Thanks again for sharing!
Thanks Doc. Your spot on as I reckon the lifestyles that everyone is living is messing up with their sleep, and therefore their brains!!! Looking forward to the next instalment of Cheaper than therapy!
I think you nailed it with "comparison"!
But why is comparison making us miserable? And even if we know that it make us feel shit, we do people still compare themselves to others?
Exceedingly brave of you mate! Well done
Thanks Jason!
Great to reason to write - to understand better. I think most of us, writers, we think on paper. (I might even argue, "non-writers" don't have that clarity in thoughts exactly because they never slow down to write them down).
I personally believe that it all has to do with brain chemistry that's affected by:
-Our lifestyle choices;
-Our food choices;
-Our environment (like indoor living and insufficient light exposure that's directly correlated with mental health);
-The nature of our relationships changed so much by our social media world.
Our brain chemistry is influenced by all of these and more and then it's translated into feelings, thought patterns and our mental and physical health outcomes.
The best part? There's enough science to get control of our mental health.
The hard part? Building systems in the real world to make choices that promote great mental health our default choices.
What do you think?
I think the main cause of the mental health crisis is that our brains are wired for short term gratification (especially when we're tired) and so much of our environment has changed to meet that, which then impacts on our habits that dictate how much energy we have i.e sleep, nutrition, exercise etc.
Basically having low energy levels for a long time causes depression lol
Couldn't agree more Ben! Depression is a simple question of biological resources mismanagement! If I don't sleep well one night - I'm already all cranky and on the moody side! I can't imagine what happens when this is done on ongoing basis! I'd go crazy!
I agree, but if it's a simple question of biological resource management, why do most people think the causes of depression are so mysterious?
Nobody taught us that at school because back then it wasn't mainstream science. It's still not mainstream. We just think that what happens in the mind has a solution through the mind (it seems logical) when many neuroscientists know - this is not the case. In most cases it's an imbalance in our biology and brain chemistry driven by it. - What happens in the mind rarely is solved there.
How do we make it mainstream?
That's the golden question - education and systems that are centralized. We need some sort of coalition of influential decision makers to maybe run a wide-scale testdrive and then apply it world wide.
Well done for writing about this and asking the question. I think the previous commenters have nailed it 👌 and cheers for the shout out
Cheers Benny. I think so too and you're welcome mate! Thanks heaps for contributing to the important conversations.
After burning out three times doing jobs that I really loved, I’ve arrived at the realisation that I can add value without perpetually trying to prove my worth to a hierarchy that didn’t care. Moved to the country, took my career into my own hands and am feeling much more purposeful and balanced. Funny that it all came to me when I finally stopped trying to chase it down….
Thanks for sharing Esse. If you don't mind me asking, what jobs where you doing? And what led to your burnout?
Exec in (variously) a membership association, food production/retail and veterinary pharmaceuticals. Very different businesses and industries. Looking back, the common burnout factor was me believing I had to be the compensating element for inadequate resources and/or unrealistic expectations. I love a challenge and loved the work so was definitely up for it, but I wasn’t able to differentiate “this is unachievable under current conditions” from “I’m a failure if I don’t achieve it”.
Thanks for sharing mate and I've also struggled in the past to differentiate my performance from the team's outcome. With that in mind (if you don't mind me asking) what would you tell your 18 year old self at the start of your career?
Probably to give myself as much care, respect and consideration as I would my best friend.
Love it!
My running theory on why there is a rise in mental illness is more just a rise in awareness and people being more willing to talk about it. It’s not a dog at older generations but I feel they really just tried to soldier on with the burden and didn’t realize that sometimes you can share the load and make it easier on everyone.
Hey mate and I agree with that to an extent, but if that's the case, then why is there such a huge increase in suicides?
I think part of it is from just more reporting on suicides. (Which I think is true for a lot of increases in medicinal statistics.) Especially in more religious communities suicide can be such a taboo topic that they would be brushed under the rug as other “accidents” instead of what it actually was. I have nothing to back that but things I have heard from rural communities over here in the States. I think that Covid did bring to light a lot of things and did hurt a lot of people that might otherwise not admitted to having a mental illness or make the decision to commit suicide. I know personally it hit me a lot harder than I had expected and brought to light some things that had just been lurking in the background.
I kinda feel that my comment might have started to wander from your post some but I do want to add that I appreciate your blog posts and your openness with us who keep up with it!
Your welcome mate and sorry to hear that the stress from covid hit you hard. I reckon dealing with the stress covid created was far worse than the disease itself!
Were Alfred’s ‘failures’ hiccups or failures? I doubt there has ever been a perfect startup. I’m sure it was a learning curve, perhaps never ending, but failure? In footy you’ve got to expect perfection, but in business it rarely exists. Nevertheless, we put pressure on ourselves to be perfect.
Big hiccups! aka having to rebuild it from scratch 3 times. But if I zoom out and look at the big picture, I've more than succeeded as we got Alfred launched, have paying subscribers, and just had our first profitable month! Far from failure and it took me a long time to realise that I was doing exactly that.. putting way too much pressure on myself to be perfect. High standards and goals are good, but not if you're stressing yourself out beyond belief trying to reach them. Thanks Radar!