Why I'm writing
Life in retirement from footy hasn’t gone to plan, and it’s been tough writing about my battle with depression.
Life in retirement from footy hasn’t gone to plan, and it’s been tough writing about my battle with depression.
But as hard as it’s been, it’s helped me reflect and make sense of what happened, so I can reduce the chances it’ll happen again.
Now I didn’t start this blog to vent about my struggles, and was recently asked “Why’d you start it?”
During the first lock down, I realised my inability to think and communicate clearly was the cause of Alfred’s failures, I started writing to improve my communicating, and to get clarity over my own thoughts.
I’m starting to get the hang of both, which helped me get Alfred launched and sustainable, and I really appreciate your support along the way.
Particularly from 2 of you.
In the comments section of last week’s blog, something happened that I didn’t expect.
I’d shared how failing to set boundaries with Alfred played a huge part in my depression, and was a topic I think readers know well.
One reader was Ben Brearley, a Leadership Coach at The Thoughtful Leader and works with people struggling with burnout.
Ben says one of the toughest challenges when trying to get his clients to realise they need to set boundaries, is to get through the thought patterns they have going on inside their head.
Kind of like the brain’s defence system that keep justifying to itself why it shouldn’t change, and he gave some great examples of these thoughts including:
“If I stay the same, I feel important and needed because I'm always working”
One that former Brumbies Doctor Kate Gazzard resonated with, and I’m very proud that two complete strangers where able to connect over such an important topic, and hopefully helped each other out.
That’s when the penny dropped and I realised that after all my struggles that:
I’m writing this blog to try and understand why so many people are suffering with their mental health, so my readers and I can do something about it.
Albert Einstein once said:
“If you give me 7 days to solve a problem, I’ll spend the first 6 defining it. Then the answer will become obvious.”
So why are so many people suffering because of their mental health?
Could it be that modern lifestyles caused by changes to our environment are messing with our brain chemistry?
Or is it being caused by a shifting of societal values? Or both?
I don’t know… but would love to know what you think..
PS: Kate started her own blog as a burnout Doctor trying to get to the bottom of medical misinformation.
Check it out here. It’s awesome.
Thread Recap
A big thanks to those of you who participated in last week’s discussion thread about Rugby Australia threatening to walk away from NZ Rugby, unless RA is given a fair share of the broadcasting pie.
Hearing your thoughts helped me make sense of it, and hopefully I can make an informed contribution at the next Brumbies Board meeting.
Each Friday, I’ll send a thread to get your thoughts on something I’m stewing on… which is usually Rugby related!
Thanks again!
Benny/Kate.
Love the thread.
Kate, while I agree social media plays a part, in accelerating or maybe amplifying the issue, I think its just made the ability and lenses of comparison wider and faster.
I have been thinking about this alot, and chatting with my wife about, is why we continue to push the boundaries and burn our selves out (benny know what my last 8 years have been).
I keep coming back to the issues of what we as a society celebrate.
We celebrate the executive that drives share prices. We celebrate the athlete the kicks 8 goals, scores three tries, bows a hattrick. We celebrate the entrepreneur that raises $X in funding.
But no where do we see any great coverage of the dad who cam home at 4pm to do the colouring in with his 5 year old daughter. We dont celebrate the mom that managed the drop off, 8 hours of work and still managed to be home and sane.
We look to celebrate "special" but see the above examples as the "ordinary"
If I look at many of the peer groups I shared, especially in the US, the "special" was the dad doing the colouring in and the mum who managed so many responsibilities. I was surrounded by over achieving executives, who left a trail of broken homes and damaged people.
At one point in the US, i coached the Stanford Womens rugby side. A collection of some of the counties most over achieving young women.
The cpt of the side, was one a full scholarship, a national rugby and karate champion, and the day she graduated was off to the Naval Accademy to be a pilot. (never have i felt more insecure).
But one girl in the team, made a comment to me, as a retort to a comment from one of her team mates. This girl was the daughter of a very well know tech CEO. She received a new range rover for graduating. When this fact was shouted to all, she under he breath said, and I am sure I was one of the only to hear it, said "yeh, anything to make him feel better for all the times he said he would be there and never was."
It stuck with me.
Her father is widely celebrated as a "special" person. I revered him as what I had read, he is an incredible CEO and leader.
What he is not is a good father. His daughter is sad, upset and lonely.
I'm pretty sure she would have chose to have him home more, doing the colouring in at 4pm more nights than any new range rover....
We need to rework what we celebrate and admire.
Ill take ordinary nights, building Lego, painting, doing karaoke with my kids than any "professional" award.
Another great blog with a hard hitting question BA! Along with stress - work, finances, health, relationships, family… I think one of the biggest factors contributing to a rise in mental health issues is the rise of social media infiltrating every area of our lives and driving that awful word… ‘comparison’. It’s a pervasive social phenomena and we often don’t know we’re doing it but it has a huge impact on self worth. It’s so easy to compare ourselves with others and we know that social media whilst just a ‘highlight reel’ of our best moments, has the ability to impact how we see our own lives compared to others. Heck, with memories flashing up on our social channels we even compare our past selves with our current selves! Technology at our fingers tips has also lead to the blurring of boundaries between work and play and sleep and wake cycles (the effect of bright screens on melatonin). I love Brene Brown’s work on this… Comparison says ‘Be Like Everyone Else… But Better!’ Not the makings of a happy mental state!
Thanks again for sharing!