In our workplace we talk about 'clearing withholds'. Rather than letting grievances fester away in silence, you grab a meeting room, have some 'robust dialogue', and clear things up so that the productive energy can flow again.
Conflict = development of conflict resolution skills. If you don't have conflict then you don't know how to navigate it when you are experiencing it. Therefore you tend to avoid it/be the peace keeper and never speak up even when it really matters to you.
It's not just boys that resolution skills aren't taught.
Women have been conditioned to sit and look pretty. Be seen and not heard which means they often dont speak up for themselves because society taught us that conflict is not feminine and we shouldn't question things.
I understand that however how should we resolve conflict with bullies?
I often love the way women deal with conflict especially childish behaviour. They have learnt the skill of saying nothing however their look says everything.
Bullies are tricky and goes beyond their behaviour. I'm not saying bullying is okay, but you need to look past the behaviour and get to the root cause of why they are a bully. What happened to them? What do they feel they are trying to protect or achieve by behaving that way?
I agree. I have been bullied myself and it just made me lose confidence in myself more than anything.
Now that I'm older I can see it in a different light and try to have compassion for those people. People aren't born bullies, they are shaped into them by their experiences which calls for the reframing of "what's wrong with you" to "what happened to you".
Ben, I’m not sure I’m across this article. I don’t understand why players would fight at training. When you fight there is generally a winner and a loser . Is this good for a team environment?
I would only ever fight in retaliation and that generally happens as a result of bullying.
You must fight back if you are being bullied. Further my own personality is such that I never give up against a bully and tend to try to push back on them into the future ( I don’t drop it).
I’m probably saying that if I was in a team and had a fight with a bully, I would never forget about it . Is that good for the team?
They often fight because they are in the "heat of the moment" during a session. But sometimes it's about conflicting opinions about how things should be done, and neither party has the skills to resolve the issue verbally. This isnt about standing up to bullies.
Conflict strengthens relationships not so much because of the conflict itself, but the ability of the people involved to regroup and repair any damage that occurred (whether that be break of trust or hurt or whatever).
"Heat of moment" seems like a build up of tension that was already there, it builds until the only way to deal with it is to let it out. Physical fights are a form of verbal communication and I've noticed that once men let out that frustration they're okay. Punching each other one minute, having a beer the next. Women just talk behind each others back and turn on each other rather than communicating about the issue and resolving it together.
I don't think there necessarily needs to be a winner or a loser.
Team environments are tricky. They're mates who work and travel together so naturally things will get heated and I can see how fighting can be used for that expression without negatively impacting the environment.
In our workplace we talk about 'clearing withholds'. Rather than letting grievances fester away in silence, you grab a meeting room, have some 'robust dialogue', and clear things up so that the productive energy can flow again.
Love that! Letting things fester is NEVER good.
First try to understand then be understood!
100%
Conflict = development of conflict resolution skills. If you don't have conflict then you don't know how to navigate it when you are experiencing it. Therefore you tend to avoid it/be the peace keeper and never speak up even when it really matters to you.
Yep! And sadly I think a lot of people avoid conflict (therefore do not improve things) because they emotionally can't handle someone not liking them.
Resolution skills are rarely taught to boys . We tend towards finding winners and losers . Your comment needs to go much deeper.
It's not just boys that resolution skills aren't taught.
Women have been conditioned to sit and look pretty. Be seen and not heard which means they often dont speak up for themselves because society taught us that conflict is not feminine and we shouldn't question things.
I understand that however how should we resolve conflict with bullies?
I often love the way women deal with conflict especially childish behaviour. They have learnt the skill of saying nothing however their look says everything.
Bullies are tricky and goes beyond their behaviour. I'm not saying bullying is okay, but you need to look past the behaviour and get to the root cause of why they are a bully. What happened to them? What do they feel they are trying to protect or achieve by behaving that way?
Great comment. It’s tricky especially when you are being bullied.
Great conversation!
I agree. I have been bullied myself and it just made me lose confidence in myself more than anything.
Now that I'm older I can see it in a different light and try to have compassion for those people. People aren't born bullies, they are shaped into them by their experiences which calls for the reframing of "what's wrong with you" to "what happened to you".
I’ve just sent you three messages. I would be interested in your comments. Cheers Mathers
We weren’t born to lose . Ask Ben Alexander.
Sport is not about winning and losing. It’s about trying and learning.
I love that comment however the vultures out there in the stands and in front of the TV only want winners .
I’m sure you have been in many sides that have played well and lost . Sometimes the opposition is a little better!
Trying and learning leads to winning
Ben, I’m not sure I’m across this article. I don’t understand why players would fight at training. When you fight there is generally a winner and a loser . Is this good for a team environment?
I would only ever fight in retaliation and that generally happens as a result of bullying.
You must fight back if you are being bullied. Further my own personality is such that I never give up against a bully and tend to try to push back on them into the future ( I don’t drop it).
I’m probably saying that if I was in a team and had a fight with a bully, I would never forget about it . Is that good for the team?
They often fight because they are in the "heat of the moment" during a session. But sometimes it's about conflicting opinions about how things should be done, and neither party has the skills to resolve the issue verbally. This isnt about standing up to bullies.
Conflict strengthens relationships not so much because of the conflict itself, but the ability of the people involved to regroup and repair any damage that occurred (whether that be break of trust or hurt or whatever).
"Heat of moment" seems like a build up of tension that was already there, it builds until the only way to deal with it is to let it out. Physical fights are a form of verbal communication and I've noticed that once men let out that frustration they're okay. Punching each other one minute, having a beer the next. Women just talk behind each others back and turn on each other rather than communicating about the issue and resolving it together.
Something like “ you idiot, you dropped the ball again! “
I don't think there necessarily needs to be a winner or a loser.
Team environments are tricky. They're mates who work and travel together so naturally things will get heated and I can see how fighting can be used for that expression without negatively impacting the environment.
And there’s the difference between men and women. Most men need to win . Women have an innate quality of pretending to lose but looking longer term.
do most men need to win? or do they think they need to win? Is it part of the masculinity conditioning?
Many do because society praises winners (get paid more, more dating options etc)