AMEN Ben!!! This is so true! These conversations can be so scary because we don't know how it will be received by the person and the reaction reflects the persons emotional maturity. We often feel better once things have been said though and as you have found, the relationship is stronger for it. Leaving things unsaid only leads to resentment and usually results in a toxic relationship that isn't good for either person.
I think we feel an obligation or responsibility to maintain friendships once we have built them. I know I definitely have in the past. That was one thing i was worried about when I got sober. How will I maintain these friendships with people who the only time I see them is when we are drinking?
I realised that all relationship[s/friendships are a two way street. I remember I would feel horrible for not making the effort to contact someone for an extended period of time until I realised that they too haven't made the effort in the same amount of time. I think trying to maintain every single friendship we have is limiting and unnecessary. We shouldn't feel like maintaining a friendship is a chore. I think if it gets to that point, that's all the evidence you need to suggest you no longer need that relationship in your life.
I think that we should change our perspective around these relationships to a place where we can be grateful that they happened rather than sad that they are over or no longer as close as they once were. If a relationship organically peters out, there's no need for any animosity or feelings of guilt. People are busy and I would hate to think that someone is wasting what little spare time they have trying to maintain a friendship with me if it felt like a chore to them.
Ultimately, friendships come and go all throughout our life, some last longer than others, some are more or less necessary than others. I think we should never expect them to last forever and focus on being grateful for what we have had, rather than getting hurt feelings because it's over.
Yeah, maybe just like this sense of loyalty they feel. Maybe a lack of self respect and low self esteem. They worry what others will think of them if they stop putting effort in that’s not reciprocated.
I like to think that people come in and out of our lives at different times for different reasons. That might be complete horse shit, but it helps me feel better about not putting energy into maintaining friendships where the other person isn’t putting in effort either. I think the trick is to be able to do it without feeling animosity toward one another.
At the end of the day, all relationships are about exchange. We wouldn’t be friends with someone if we didn’t get friendship, care, compassion, understanding etc from them. When we stop getting those things, especially in return for giving them, I think the relationship organically tapers off and that’s fine.
Smiley emoji's, Ben!! Love this post. I had a similar but different epiphany about 6 years ago...and I am a lot older than you! After I commenced a leadership course, I realised that I had been an "avoider". Not good for an employer or friend (or anything else really). Once I knew the why and a bit of the how, I relished the "difficult conversations". Being able to do that transformed my life and stress levels for sure. I am so glad that you have this amazing insight and tool and so much younger than I was. Might see you in France? I will come and introduce myself, if I see you. Travel well!
I actually do not think that I realised how much an avoider I was and what it was doing to me. Sometimes as leaders, we can help others to recognise this. You did this beautifully in your post. You have such amazing self awareness. Only then can we be prepared to do something about it and sometimes we need some help to figure out how to have these conversations with kindness and empathy. It always feels better afterwards if we do it well.
I am actually going to the Pool Games against Wales and Fiji and will be travelling home before the quarters in mid-Oct. I probably should not say this but at least I am guaranteed to see the Wallabies play. Do you have a second team? (Smiley emoji). Maybe we will meet one day in Canberra at a Brumbies game?
AMEN Ben!!! This is so true! These conversations can be so scary because we don't know how it will be received by the person and the reaction reflects the persons emotional maturity. We often feel better once things have been said though and as you have found, the relationship is stronger for it. Leaving things unsaid only leads to resentment and usually results in a toxic relationship that isn't good for either person.
Thanks Clare and I've always felt better after saying what needs to be said. Wish I had the courage to do it more often.
I think we feel an obligation or responsibility to maintain friendships once we have built them. I know I definitely have in the past. That was one thing i was worried about when I got sober. How will I maintain these friendships with people who the only time I see them is when we are drinking?
I realised that all relationship[s/friendships are a two way street. I remember I would feel horrible for not making the effort to contact someone for an extended period of time until I realised that they too haven't made the effort in the same amount of time. I think trying to maintain every single friendship we have is limiting and unnecessary. We shouldn't feel like maintaining a friendship is a chore. I think if it gets to that point, that's all the evidence you need to suggest you no longer need that relationship in your life.
I think that we should change our perspective around these relationships to a place where we can be grateful that they happened rather than sad that they are over or no longer as close as they once were. If a relationship organically peters out, there's no need for any animosity or feelings of guilt. People are busy and I would hate to think that someone is wasting what little spare time they have trying to maintain a friendship with me if it felt like a chore to them.
Ultimately, friendships come and go all throughout our life, some last longer than others, some are more or less necessary than others. I think we should never expect them to last forever and focus on being grateful for what we have had, rather than getting hurt feelings because it's over.
Never thought it friendships like that but totally agree. Maintaining a friendship should not require effort or energy.
Why do you think people stay in relationships that feel like a chore? What's trapping them? The fear of the unknown?
Yeah, maybe just like this sense of loyalty they feel. Maybe a lack of self respect and low self esteem. They worry what others will think of them if they stop putting effort in that’s not reciprocated.
I like to think that people come in and out of our lives at different times for different reasons. That might be complete horse shit, but it helps me feel better about not putting energy into maintaining friendships where the other person isn’t putting in effort either. I think the trick is to be able to do it without feeling animosity toward one another.
At the end of the day, all relationships are about exchange. We wouldn’t be friends with someone if we didn’t get friendship, care, compassion, understanding etc from them. When we stop getting those things, especially in return for giving them, I think the relationship organically tapers off and that’s fine.
Smiley emoji's, Ben!! Love this post. I had a similar but different epiphany about 6 years ago...and I am a lot older than you! After I commenced a leadership course, I realised that I had been an "avoider". Not good for an employer or friend (or anything else really). Once I knew the why and a bit of the how, I relished the "difficult conversations". Being able to do that transformed my life and stress levels for sure. I am so glad that you have this amazing insight and tool and so much younger than I was. Might see you in France? I will come and introduce myself, if I see you. Travel well!
Thanks Dianna and how did you come to that realisation of being an avoider?
You will! When will you be there? I get to Paris a few days before the first Rugby World Cup semi final
I actually do not think that I realised how much an avoider I was and what it was doing to me. Sometimes as leaders, we can help others to recognise this. You did this beautifully in your post. You have such amazing self awareness. Only then can we be prepared to do something about it and sometimes we need some help to figure out how to have these conversations with kindness and empathy. It always feels better afterwards if we do it well.
I am actually going to the Pool Games against Wales and Fiji and will be travelling home before the quarters in mid-Oct. I probably should not say this but at least I am guaranteed to see the Wallabies play. Do you have a second team? (Smiley emoji). Maybe we will meet one day in Canberra at a Brumbies game?
Second team will be France! Would love to see a new winner if Aus can’t win it! Absolutely! I go to every brumbies home game.
Me too! Allez les Bleus!
Hooroo!