Speaking my mind
Why I wish I did it more and how it's my new relationship test
I think society is too polite and most of us are avoiding difficult, but necessary conversations.
Conversations that usually lead to better outcomes for everyone involved, and I’ve rarely spoken my mind in the past because:
I lacked courage and confidence
I worried I’d offend someone
I worried people would think less of me if they didn’t agree
I didn’t have the energy, as these conversations are hard and much easier to avoid.
There’s nothing wrong with being civil.
But sticking to superficial chit-chat and tip-toeing around what needs to be said is not the way to build meaningful relationships.
My late Grandma always told me: “Ben, if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all”, which I think is a great mantra for keeping the peace.
But one that has led me down a path of conflict avoidance and into trouble.
I’m not saying everyone should start being a prick, but I’ve realised I had a few relationships in my life that I’d be better off without.
Relationships where we have different goals and values, and I’ve found the easiest way to end them has been to just speak my mind.
I first experienced this when it became clear my first Alfred co-founder wasn’t involved for the same reasons as I was.
He was in it for a hobby. I was in it to make a difference.
We’d gotten off to a fun start, but after 2 years of building, I’m embarrassed to say that we hadn’t even launched Alfred in the app store.
So instead of having a difficult conversation and parting ways amicably, I avoided it, until things imploded from the stress of another 12 months of wasted time and money.
I knew it wasn't working, but I lacked the courage and skills to deal with it when I should of, and I now have massive respect for anyone who can navigate difficult conversations well.
But even if I had the skills, I was certain this person would walk away, meaning I’d have to start Alfred all over again.
And sure enough, the moment I questioned why we still hadn’t launched, he did.
But 12 months later, I had a new team who rebuilt Alfred for the 4th time, and launched it in the app store on Christmas Eve 2019.
Now those of you who know me well may say I’m a sensitive person who can’t handle hearing the truth.
Which was true and the result of having low self-esteem.
But I've grown and after reflecting on how avoiding that hard conversation with my co-founder negatively impacted my life, I’ve decided to start being more honest with those around me.
And so far I've had 3 difficult conversations, of which two have strengthened my relationships with that person.
While the other one has probably ended a friendship.
But the benefits from the strengthened relationships far outweigh the relationship I lost.
One of the positive chats was with
(R4R) founder Matt Breen, where I cut to the chase and was brutally honest about something.But instead of getting offended, Breeny took it onboard without reacting emotionally, and my respect for him has grown.
Now whenever we chat about what we’re trying to do with R4R (Make Canberra Suicide Free by 2033) we both know we can speak freely, which makes getting to the crux of a problem much easier.
As for the lost friendship, what I said had the best intentions, as I care about this person.
But it’s become clear he values money more than his own health, which is in direct conflict with how I live my life.
It may sound harsh, but I found myself getting increasingly frustrated around this person.
And for a long time, I didn’t know why.
But I’ve realised it’s because we have conflicting values, which means we have different priorities. And that means neither of us will make time to catch up, as I only want to catch up over a run, while he only wants to catch up over a beer or wine.
Which is sad, but ultimately it’s probably the best for both of us and a sign that our relationship wasn’t as strong as I first thought.
Most of our memories as friends were made while we were shitfaced, which is something I don’t do anymore.
And this change in my lifestyle has led me to reassess my relationships and how I communicate.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is… if you think I’ve changed and become rude, please take that as a sign that I respect you and want to be friends.
Read of the week:
If you can’t spot the office jerk, it’s probably you
A great read and I don’t like jerks. But I have a difficult balance to find if I’m to speak my mind and not come across as one.
AMEN Ben!!! This is so true! These conversations can be so scary because we don't know how it will be received by the person and the reaction reflects the persons emotional maturity. We often feel better once things have been said though and as you have found, the relationship is stronger for it. Leaving things unsaid only leads to resentment and usually results in a toxic relationship that isn't good for either person.
I think we feel an obligation or responsibility to maintain friendships once we have built them. I know I definitely have in the past. That was one thing i was worried about when I got sober. How will I maintain these friendships with people who the only time I see them is when we are drinking?
I realised that all relationship[s/friendships are a two way street. I remember I would feel horrible for not making the effort to contact someone for an extended period of time until I realised that they too haven't made the effort in the same amount of time. I think trying to maintain every single friendship we have is limiting and unnecessary. We shouldn't feel like maintaining a friendship is a chore. I think if it gets to that point, that's all the evidence you need to suggest you no longer need that relationship in your life.
I think that we should change our perspective around these relationships to a place where we can be grateful that they happened rather than sad that they are over or no longer as close as they once were. If a relationship organically peters out, there's no need for any animosity or feelings of guilt. People are busy and I would hate to think that someone is wasting what little spare time they have trying to maintain a friendship with me if it felt like a chore to them.
Ultimately, friendships come and go all throughout our life, some last longer than others, some are more or less necessary than others. I think we should never expect them to last forever and focus on being grateful for what we have had, rather than getting hurt feelings because it's over.