I'm 40 🎂

And what I wish I knew when I was 30

Today I turn 40.

If history is a guide (my grandfathers lived to 97 and 93), I have about 55 years left if I'm lucky and look after myself.

I don't feel old and have had an awesome life so far. But this milestone has me reflecting, particularly about the last decade which has been a time of transition.

2014 was the year I married the woman of my dreams and opened The Dock.

But it was also the year I played my last test for the Wallabies. And since 2018, my wife and I have lost five grandparents, and our best friend Marley.

Plus I wrapped up my rugby career with many false starts trying to transition to what's next.

But it hasn't been all bad and I've learned to see the big picture and feel lucky to have had all my grandparents into my mid-30s.

We've also started an amazing family, helped The Dock survive the lockdowns, all while helping grow

Running for Resilience

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And these have made me feel like I've grown more in the last decade than ever before.

Maybe that's because, aside from a broken leg, my first 30 years were largely adversity-free. Overcoming those challenges has taught me a lot, and I feel more confident in myself than ever.

But if I could go back and talk to 30-year-old Ben to try spare him some pain, I'd say:

• You are more than what you do for work.

• You need to put yourself first to best support others

• If you don't sort out your issues, you'll pass them on to your kids

• Never underestimate how lucky you've been

• Have the courage to say "mental health is a reflection of how much energy you have"

• Your energy levels are more than just what you eat and how well you sleep

You are more than what you do for work.

It took me a while to realise that losing to the British and Irish Lions was so painful because I'd let my whole identity become 'Ben the footballer,' and tied my entire self-esteem to how well I played. A super painful lesson, but one I'm lucky to have learned early in life.

A night that taught me a lot

You need to put yourself first to best support others

Putting myself first has been a big shift, especially since I was taught that being selfish is bad. But neglecting self-care is fueling the burnout and mental health crisis, and we've confused prioritising our well-being with being selfish.

If you don't sort out your issues, you'll pass them on to your kids

This has been the toughest lesson to learn as a parent, since dealing with my own stuff is super hard, especially when I'm exhausted from parenting and work. But it's true that you pass on your issues and insecurities to your kids without even realising it, and wanting my girls to have a better life than me gives me the energy to do the work.

Never underestimate how lucky you've been.

I used to think that hard work was the reason for my success. But luck has played a massive role in everything that's gone good in my life, and something I overlooked when I started Alfred.

If Robbie Deans hadn't been appointed as Wallaby coach and looked to play a style of game that suited me, my rise may never have happened. If my dad wasn't a doctor, I wouldn't have been taken to Sydney when it was clear the doctors in Canberra didn't know how to treat my broken leg. And if The Dock co-owners hadn't reached out, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to get involved.

Have the courage to say "mental health is a reflection of energy levels"

I've kept quiet about this for fear of offending people who are struggling, but I truly believe it. The science is increasingly pointing to this connection, and helping people accept it is a huge challenge for Running for Resilience if we are to make Canberra suicide-free. Most people don't want to believe it because if it were that simple to fix mental struggles, they'd feel silly for not doing it.

But just because it sounds simple doesn't mean improving energy is easy. In fact it's the opposite, and helping people have more energy is where I'm focusing the next ten years of my working life.

Your energy levels are more than just what you eat and how well you sleep.

I use to think "holistic" was a nonsense word, and rugby taught me that I needed to rest and fuel myself well to have the energy to perform. But getting depressed at the end of the lockdowns, despite eating well, prioritising sleep, and exercising, taught me that my energy levels are dictated by more than just that. How I manage stress, time spent with friends, doing meaningful work, and how I relax all play a part in maintaining my energy. 

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Perhaps I shouldn't tell 30-year-old Ben any of these because he needs to go through those painful lessons. And even if I did, I doubt he would listen.

But either way, I'm some grateful for everything that's happened and expect another reflection when I turn 50.

And by then, I hope burnout will be a thing of the past and that Canberra is suicide-free.