Saturday night was a special night for me as I celebrated the launch of Alfred with friends and family.
I’ve been toiling away on Alfred for 4+ years and in late 2019 when he fell apart for the 3rd time, I begun to think that Saturday night might not happen.
That set back forced me to reflect about the mistakes I was making and to figure out how I was going to dust myself off and go again.
I first decided that I needed to go back to Uni to study Computing so I could get the technical knowledge that I was missing.
So I enrolled at ANU and for my first assignment I had to write 2 simple paragraphs about bitcoin.
“This will be a breeze” I thought.
But when I was unable to get what made sense in my mind onto the paper… I was shocked.
I found it so hard to express my thoughts clearly and barely passed the assignment.
Then as the pandemic hit and the Dock went into lockdown, I had time to think and realised that my struggles at Uni where due to my mind “always being in a rush”, and I never slowed it down long enough to let the thoughts and words come out.
Too quickly my mind would jump from one thought to the next, and not allowing enough time for thoughts to sink in and to be organised so the right thought can be pulled out when needed and communicated.
Not to mention the over scheduling of my calendar left me feeling that I was always in a hurry.
And I believe that this “rushing of my mind” was the ultimate cause of all the Alfred fuck-ups.
Once I realised that, I knew I needed to write more as the blog has been great for slowing down and realising that a lot things I thought needed to be done urgently, actually didn’t need to be done at all.
And now my brain feels tidier and lighter than ever before.
But I also wanted to write the blog to share my journey in retirement from footy, and the challenges I’ve had making the transition from “Ben the Rugby player” to “Ben the Alfred employee”.
A transition that’s been whole lot easier of late thanks to a few incredible people.
While retiring from Rugby was tough, I knew it was the right decision.
I’d given it my all, and while I don’t have any trophies to hang my hat on, I’m overwhelming grateful that I even go to have a professional career.
From nearly getting kicked out the Brumbies Academy (for being a mess), to badly breaking my leg, I was so lucky that I got to play one game for the Brumbies or Wallabies, let alone as many as I did.
I can proudly say that I never took a single day as a professional rugby player for granted, and I was worried about what I’d do when footy finished.
But the year before I retired, longtime teammate Stephen Moore announced he was hanging up his boots.
During that announcement he said “you need something to retire too”, and I felt that I had that with Alfred.
I’d been working on Alfred during the final 2 seasons of my career, and I feel drawn to working on him in the same way I felt drawn to playing Rugby.
But in order to make the transition happen, I needed to find a new team full of incredible teammates to work hard with again.
So what’s Alfred?
More on him in another blog, but basically Alfred is a fun and easy way to find balance with food and I’ve been building him so other people don’t have to struggle with their eating and self-esteem like I did.
Life sometimes has a funny way of working out.
Whether by luck, destiny or some unknown logical reason, sometimes things just work out and I’m now part of an incredible team again, with an awesome coach to boot!
Alfred’s head coach is Dom Millar, a parkrunner and former Rugby winger (soft) for the Wests Lions, who also leads a crack team of developers at Xero.
I played for some amazing coaches, and I thought when I retired that I might not find another great coach to learn from again… but boy was I wrong!
Every time I walk away from a conversation with Dom, I feel like I’ve learned something valuable.
Not to mention that Alfred is actually the second time in a year that Dom has saved my arse!
When the pandemic forced the nation into lockdown, Dom and his team built the Jobkeeper part of Xero in a matter of weeks, allowing the Dock and thousands of other businesses across Australia to keep paying their staff.
But I learned in Rugby that a coach is only as good as his players, and I was lucky to have some of the best players in the world as teammates.
Players who did their jobs so well that made it easy for me to do mine, and I feel that same way working with Nash.
It’s been amazing to watch Nash and his team at Webtec go about their work, as they’ve begun to build out the Alfred vision with very little guidance from me.
And long may it continue.
Usually when I wake up from a big night on the turps, I have the “black dogs barking” in my ear telling me how I’m wasting my life by lying in bed feeling sorry for myself.
But when I woke up dusty on Sunday morning, I felt at peace.
I felt like the transition from “Ben the Rugby player” to “Ben the Alfred employee” was complete.
But the peace didn’t last long, as the hard work needed to build out the Alfred vision is only beginning.
And while I’m ready to pour my heart into Alfred like I did with Rugby, I won’t be making the mistake of having “what I do for work” define me again.
For most of my career, my entire identity was tied up in “Ben the rugby player” and how I felt about myself was linked directly to how well I played.
I was trying so hard to make those I represented proud, and after being sent off in the Lions decider, I was shattered and too embarrassed to be seen in public.
I felt that I’d let everyone down, and reading all the comments online about how the loss and how I played crushed my sense of self worth.
But eventually I learned that I’m more than just a Rugby player, and that’s a lesson that will hold me in good stead for what’s next.
School holidays weren't great for writing, but now the girls are back at school, I’ll be writing one blog per month.
There’s lots I’d like to share, but if there’s anything you’d like to read about, please leave a comment below.
Cheers.
Benny, I have to take some issue with this - and probably time to set the record straight. I learned a lot when I worked at the University of Queensland from Dr Cliff Mallett - who was not only an incredible Sports Coach (Athletics) - arguable the architect of Australia’s only Men’s Relay Olympic Medal in over 50 years at the 2004 Athens Olympics. But who’s influence has also been credited by NRL Premiership winning coaches etc. etc. Cliff is an expert in motivation and a qualified sports psychologist - one of the best going around. Cliff actually developed a Mental Toughness program for our HP Program at UQ and it was based on the work of Martin Seligman out of the US. Not a bad Psychologist himself. Which is interesting at the moment particularly as there are a number of Mystics out there promoting 'Flow' and 'Meditation' as the source of solutions to Health, Wellness & Performance. There's a bit more to it than that, and while I digress... I can honestly say that there’s at least 1 player that went on to play for the Wallabies - that frankly - probably wouldn’t have if it wasn’t for Cliff’s intervention through that Program. The key premise behind it was attributing things that happen to you accurately - If you’re responsible for something - take responsibility, learn, apply and move on. However, the flip side of that is - if it’s out of your control - recognise that build a fence around it - in terms of your overall wellbeing and again - move forward knowing that you did everything you could.
This is where I come back to your sin binning in the British & Irish Lions. Why was it that 3 weeks after that performance that you were part of a Brumbies Forward back that dismantled the Bulls in a Semi Final at Loftus Verfeld! Was there suddenly an epiphany in those 3 weeks? As you know Rugby is a team game and everyone contributes - The Brumbies as a case example everybody from the wonderful work that Gary Quinlivan does on a daily basis through the coaches, managers the squad members to the players that actually take the field - everybody involved contributes to a performance.
Smarter people than me have proven that 70% of a scrum’s power comes from the Back 5 (Locks & Backrow). It has since been reported (by the player himself) that the Tight Head lock went in to that game carrying a calf tear. Again smarter people than me tell me that the calf comes under fair heat when scrummaging. The Lions went in to that game with a square target on the scrum. The selection of a compromised player in such an important position (Tight Head Lock) has never come under scrutiny - and certainly there was no hands going up after the game - and there were no hands going up in since written auto-biographies since as well!
It’s all too often Coaches put blame squarely on the Players when things don’t go to plan - Yet I’ve only heard one Coach in World Rugby that puts his hand up when the team loses and says - I got the preparation wrong - and that’s Eddie!
As mentioned it’s a team game and the team behind the team are just as important in contribution as the team on the field. If I can quote the famous Gary Quinlivan again - Pretty hard to play Snooker with a piece of String! You had a piece of string behind you that night mate!
I know this is something that you would have never mentioned - regardless of knowing it - and it’s a massive part of your personality to take responsibility - which is also why you have been successful. But on the flip side - for your own wellbeing - it’s also bloody important to recognise when there’s actually nothing else that you could have done.
Now you’ve entered the business world and you’ve got a product that can genuinely make a difference - you’ll get the similar trolls denigrating because they’re now your direct competitors. The difference is that sometimes you don’t have another game in 7 days to atone.
You’re a good man and you’ve always done yourself and your family proud and you’ll continue to do so.
Ben, you were one of the rare types of Rugby players, with which many of us Joe-public can actually identify. You weren't enormous as far as forwards go. You lacked the amazing talent of the blistering, hand-eye freaks that make up the backline. You thrived upon no-thought-for-self-preservation toughness, skill and being able to push back against blokes who are the size of WWE wrestlers. You thoroughly deserved all your success and each one of your incredibly hard-earned caps. I will certainly be checking out Alfred.