The biggest mistake I made during my career was letting my whole identity become “Ben the footballer.”
When we won, I felt great.
But when we lost, especially big game, I’d feel like shit.
I’d beat myself up and struggle to move on, with the worst case of that coming after the we lost to the Lions.
Even though it was a team loss, I blamed myself because I got sent off and felt like I’d let everyone down.
All my self-esteem eggs were in one basket. And when something outside my control knocked that basket over, I had nothing else to fall back on and feel proud.
But that pain forced me to change.
Now I see myself as Ben the dad, the husband, the business owner, and Ben the rugby player.
If one part of my life takes a hit, I’ve got others to lean on and still feel proud.
(And I’m still working on not tying my self-worth to achievement.)
Identity comes up a lot in the Q&As after my talks.
I mention the pain of the Lions loss, and for some reason it’s the part of the talk that gets the most questions.
I think it’s because deep down, we all want to be proud of what we do for work. And that’s a good thing.
But if we let our job be the only thing that defines us, we’re setting ourselves up for a lot of pain when something outside our control comes along and impacts it.
And I’m sharing this because I don’t want you to make the same mistake I did.
Build a life with more than one thing you’re proud of.
Work matters.
But it can’t be the only thing that defines you.
I speak to a lot of people about this. Not just athletes, but it's important for us all to have multiple identities.
You also forgot Ben the runner, the son, the friend, the brother.
It's nice to see that the school curricula have changed, so it's not solely focused on academic learning and thus helps children find their interests and multiple identities.
So true, thanks for sharing 👍 🙏 I shall keep it mind to lean on other pillars in life, if not then it's time to build few pillars around