I wish I'd gotten help sooner

Please don't be dumb like me.

The scariest thing about getting depressed was I thought I'd done everything to avoid it.

I knew transitioning into retirement would be tough. But I didn’t want to think about it and kept telling myself I’d play forever.

But Dan Vickerman’s death was the kick up the backside I needed because it forced me to face my struggles.

I'd started struggling mentally while I was playing, and feared in retirement that it would only get worse.

So I started researching how the brain works and felt ready.

But retirement was still tough, and I convinced myself that I didn’t need professional help because that would be weak.

It's only now I realise how stupid that thought is, because everyone goes through tough times that drains their nervous system. I wish I’d gotten help earlier because it could have prevented me from spiralling as deep into depression as I did. Which was super scary.

But what's so good about seeing a psychologist?

Well, mine helped me realise I'd developed unhelpful thinking patterns like catastrophizing, comparing myself to others, focusing on stuff that's outside my control and more.

All of it which were draining me of the energy needed to do the work making my career transition happen, and made me feel stuck.

And I fucking hate feeling stuck.

I think these patterns started during my rugby career after some tough losses (some are learned behaviour from childhood though) and intensified in retirement as I tried transitioning to my next career.

But fortunately, these patterns can change and I'm feeling great.

I get that finding the right help is hard. I was lucky that the Brumbies connected me with a psych who understood my challenges. She was a former athlete herself, which massively helped. But many people aren’t as fortunate and feel like the help they get doesn’t truly understand what they’re going through.

But no matter how hard it is to find the right person, it’s worth it. Because struggling in silence is so much worse.

I still wish I had ‘manned up’ and admitted I was struggling earlier because it would have saved me so much pain and time.

So if you’re struggling, please don't be like me. Please get help before it becomes so painful that you have no other choice.

You won't regret it.